What I Realized From Being Sexually Assaulted (as a Man)

October 30, 2025

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What I Realized From Being Sexually Assaulted (as a Man)

In my e book about males’s relationship, one of many largest chapters is about consent.

The main target is on how we males can make sure that ladies really feel protected round us. I solely point out in passing that I, too, have been on the receiving finish of sexual assault. Because the chapter targeted on stopping ladies from being victimized, I didn’t elaborate alone experiences. Nevertheless, I’ve come to comprehend that talking about these particulars may assist some males higher perceive and have compassion for ladies, which can in the end assist them join with ladies. As a males’s relationship coach, I’d be remiss if I didn’t take this chance to assist my viewers on this approach.

Earlier than I inform these tales, I simply need to say that there’s no want to supply your sympathies or say something like, “I’m so sorry this occurred to you.” I’ll clarify why.

Names have been modified for anonymity.

The bar

I used to be bar-hopping with a few pals and we had been contemplating a close-by bar for our subsequent cease. I volunteered to go first to test and see if the vibes had been alright. It was a bar I frequented and I knew nearly all the different regulars, together with one named Beth.

I had a sure popularity on this venue. I’d continuously carry dates there, and I additionally had informal encounters with a few of the different patrons as properly. As a polyamorous individual, every individual that had any type of intimate expertise with me knew what I used to be all about, however many individuals thought that my sexual attitudes and preferences had been looser and extra open than they really had been. Maybe they mistakenly thought I used to be “straightforward” and had no requirements.

Beth was additionally recognized to be very pleasant with males, and she or he would typically attempt to flirt with me as properly. I by no means flirted again as a result of I used to be by no means excited by her. In hindsight, evidently she didn’t perceive this.

That evening, once I popped in to test the vibes, I noticed Beth and another patrons dancing round very excitedly. As quickly as they noticed me stroll in, she and another patrons greeted me excitedly, pulling me into the dance ground together with them.

Whereas I used to be being pulled in, Beth put her arm round me and pulled me towards her face. I didn’t use full bodily drive to withstand, however I attempted to tug away a tiny bit. This was not sufficient to overpower her pull, although it could have been sufficient in comparison with most ladies’s power, so I felt confused for a second. I may have overpowered her, however I discovered the scenario a bit unusual as Beth was considerably larger and stronger than most ladies. This tiny second of confusion made me default to simply going with the move.

She pulled my face towards hers and kissed me on the lips whereas dancing alongside to the music, and this all occurred inside lower than a minute of me strolling into the venue. The one phrases exchanged had been greetings.

I left and informed my pals outdoors that we must always go to a unique bar.

The disaster

One evening, I acquired a cellphone name.

“Kendra’s having a psychological breakdown. She talked about one thing about dying, so I acquired scared and referred to as the police. We’re all on the police station now. Do you assume you possibly can come and act as her guardian in a single day? The police received’t launch her in any other case, and Donnie and I have to go dwelling.”

I took a taxi and rushed over, agreed to look at over her, and we headed to Kendra’s place. The good friend who referred to as me went dwelling together with her boyfriend.

Kendra was experiencing a manic episode and rambling a couple of bunch of seemingly random stuff. I did my finest to pay attention and join the dots sufficient to have a considerably coherent dialog. We talked for hours and I confirmed that she had no intention of injuring herself or something worse. My sleepiness caught up with me after that.

She invited me to the mattress to sleep, and I lied down to shut my eyes. I had no intentions in any respect of doing something sexual together with her. The very considered it was abhorrent to me contemplating her situation on the time, however she inched nearer and nearer, making an attempt to cuddle me. I mentioned one thing to the impact of, “This doesn’t really feel proper. I’m simply right here to ensure nothing dangerous occurs to you.”

“Simply belief me,” she mentioned, as she acquired on prime of me, topless. I don’t bear in mind every part she did to me because the stress of your entire scenario most likely made it exhausting for me to keep up all my reminiscences precisely, however I didn’t reciprocate something, and we didn’t have intercourse. I simply bear in mind being totally uncomfortable with the entire ordeal. We finally fell asleep.

I woke as much as her rummaging by means of a few of her belongings. She was nonetheless rambling some random nonsense to herself. Nonetheless drained and never totally clearheaded from the evening earlier than, I headed dwelling as she headed to work. Or so I believed.

She ended up not going to work. She wandered off someplace else and nobody was in a position to contact her that afternoon. She wasn’t answering any calls or messages.

Some folks blamed me for her sudden disappearance, and one even implied that I may need taken benefit of her, despite the fact that I used to be a sufferer on this scenario. By the tip of the day, Kendra returned to her senses, acquired again on the grid, and apologized to everybody concerned. Final I heard, she acquired on the suitable remedy and is doing a lot better now.

The homosexual good friend

Robert and I had been each patrons of a bar and we had recognized one another for years. He knew I used to be straight, however he would typically get flirty with me when he acquired drunk. “There’s no hurt in that,” I believed, so I at all times simply laughed it off and took it as a praise.

I had some homosexual pals who would get considerably flirty with me in refined and extra submissive methods, and I by no means took subject with that. Robert, nevertheless, would typically act extra dominant and aggressive, which made me uncomfortable. I used to be by no means the sort to actually admire extra dominant advances towards me, even from ladies. Lots of my pals, each women and men, preferred that type of strategy, however that’s not me.

Each time Robert made these sorts of aggressive advances towards me, I moved farther from him to point that I didn’t prefer it. Most occasions, this was sufficient. One time, it wasn’t.

He drunkenly took a step towards me after I took a step again, and he growled one thing suggestive in my ear that I don’t bear in mind. He additionally grabbed my genitals on the identical time. I simply walked away.

I do know that this was an outlier of a case, as all the remainder of my many interactions with homosexual pals had been nothing however respectful on each side. This expertise didn’t have an effect on my attitudes or beliefs in regards to the homosexual neighborhood in any destructive approach general.

I don’t actually really feel like a traumatized sufferer.

All of those experiences taught me necessary classes about consent first-hand, nevertheless it additionally gave me a extra visceral consciousness of my male privilege.

After I spoke to ladies about their experiences with sexual harassment and assault, a lot of them would specific lots of psychological misery. I by no means felt like I had that very same quantity of misery from my experiences. In my analysis in regards to the matter, I discovered that it’s not unusual for males to really feel what I really feel. It’s as a result of we males have a tendency to keep up a stronger sense of company, and it’s more durable for us to really feel like our company had been taken away in these sorts of conditions. It’s not at all times the case, nevertheless it appeared to be the case for me.

EDIT: I’m on no account making an attempt to downplay the experiences of different males who may need felt in another way than I did. There are males who skilled various things than I did, and their trauma and views are legitimate.

That’s why I felt it pointless to report any of those incidences, and why I felt like I didn’t want any sympathy from anybody about it. Nevertheless, in hindsight as I write this text, I suppose there may be nonetheless a degree of misery that continues to be in my unconscious. It wasn’t as straightforward to write down this because it was my different articles.

It’s value noting that it’s typically more durable for ladies to keep up the identical degree of company and management in these sorts of conditions. I by no means misplaced a full sense of management, most likely as a result of I by no means doubted my bodily potential to take management if I felt it was actually crucial. Seems that my gender and gymming gave me one thing extra helpful than simply aesthetically pleasing muscle tissue. I imagine this is a vital takeaway for males to know.

Relating to making advances on others, it’s necessary that nothing comes up out of the blue. Good flirting or seduction entails constructing anticipation and resolving it with actions that may be anticipated and efficiently rebuffed, not surprises that probably rob somebody of their selection or company.